Diary of Kosaki Onodera
by JotaBae
Summary: Multiple snippets from the perspective of Onodera. Each new chapter deals with a separate encounter or entry in which she thinks/writes about. "Diary of Kosaki Onodera" is about her feelings and struggle to express them and have them returned.
1. A Day in the Life of Kosaki Onodera

Hopefully you readers like Onodera as much as I do and sympathize with her plight. Sorry for posting so infrequently.

As always, readers you are appreciated,

JB

* * *

Someone taps me on the shoulder. Slowly I come back from my dream-like state. I recognize my surroundings: the hundreds of babbling conversations, the groups of friends shuffling through doorways, and the post-ceremony excitement enveloping those who sat through opening ceremony at the beginning of the school year. Another tap, this time harder.

"Hey, hellooooo there. You ok?" It's Ruri-chan. I must have drifted from the conversation because I saw "them". I continue to watch them leave and then turn to the group chattering before me. My friend tilts her head to the side and peers at my face.

"Whatcha staring at?" My friend follows the path of my previous gaze and looks at me knowingly. I try to give an honest-looking confused expression and a shoulder shrug. This doesn't work, so I turn to leave. Besides, I wasn't talking to anyone in the first place. Instead of a tap, this time a punch is landed on my shoulder. It doesn't hurt but I'm surprised, so I feign pain.

"Ow! What?"

"Does it hurt?"

"No, but jeez what do you want?" I rub my shoulder while my friend raises her eyebrow to look at me shrewdly over her glasses.

"I wasn't talking about the punch…"

"I don't know what you're talking about"

"Yes you do. It has to do with what you were staring at." My mouth lets loose another retort.

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean. Does it hurt?" She asks softer this time. I look again to see if they are still around but they are already gone and it only serves to worsen the pain. I stare at the pattern of the floorboards. It's a struggle to look at my friend but I manage to meet her concerned expression. A feeble chuckle escapes my throat.

"Haha, yea. Yea it hurts." I don't know what to tell Ruri-chan. She always makes these connections so quickly and insists that I do something to compete. I'm a little embarrassed and, obviously hurt, so I walk toward the doors again, Ruri-chan follows.

"If you want to talk about it or something I can help. I also have a notebook filled with strategies on how to gain the attention of your crush. It is all laid out with diagrams and step by step instructions you would understand." It's nice but slightly questionable at the same time. _Why would Ruri have an entire notebook filled with that kind of stuff, it's_ _embarrassing._ It still won't do anything to change the situation so it's pointless, which saddens me further. I lean against the door which acts as a gateway to the pounding rain outside. I appreciate the concern my friend has for me and the fact that she noticed something was wrong and talked to me but…

"I had hoped someone else would have noticed my staring other than you." An annoyed look is thrown my way from the spectacled girl. _Great, more feelings hurt_. "I'm sorry, but it hurts like nothing I've ever felt before. You can't put a bandage on a heart that is being torn apart. Thanks for talking to me." I push the door open but stop to hear the last question from her mouth.

"Why does it have to be Ichijo-kun?"

"Because I catch myself gazing at him all the time and even when I close my eyes I can still see his face. The problem I have is that he is looking everywhere else but back at me! Do you know how hard it is to see him with someone else? To see him spending so much time with a girl he just met? We have known each other for so long and yet there is nothing I can do about it!" I can't handle anymore. I sigh, shrug my shoulders, and walk across the courtyard toward my homeroom.

I couldn't stop crying but rain mixes nicely with the tears streaming down my face. They make it easy to mask my feelings again.

Staring at Ichijo-kun feels like waiting for a shooting star that has already joined a constellation. He doesn't know how much I care and he doesn't know how much it hurts when he follows Chitoge-chan around, when he smiles at her, when he gazes at everything around him except the one person who is completely interested in him. I was scared it was true but I saw it today. I saw him with someone else.


	2. Denis Isterhaus Kawthorn IV

These are short, I know, but it is supposed to be similar to quick lightbulb memories of Onodera so it is more accurate as separate pieces. If you would like any specific events or new stories from her perspective, feel free to let me know and I can write something up if it fits.

As always, readers you are appreciated

enjoy,

JB

* * *

This afternoon, I went to feed and care for the animals with Ruri. Yet, as we made our rounds, I couldn't help but think of Ichijo-kun's caring spirit for the school's many pets. He is somehow despised by the creatures he cares for so deeply. As we were about to leave, Ichijo appeared with Chitoge close behind.

"They will be fine, it's not even your turn to take care of the animals today." Chitoge droned.

"But if I'm not here everyday they may forget me!" Ichijo called back, "Isn't that right...Onodera?"

He trailed off as he noticed Ruri and I leaving the pens.

"Was it your turn to help feed them today?" He inquired. Ruri responded before I could open my mouth.

"It was actually my turn but Kosaki-chan just loves taking care of your snake." She said in here usual monotone voice which always implied more than she had said. I tried to explain myself but was only able to stutter some sort of opposition. Finally, I gave up, hung my head, and started to walk toward sidewalk. I was stopped abruptly by his voice.

"Well, awesome! Thank you so much Onodera, I'm sure he was much happier being fed by you. See you guys!"

He waved as we plodded away. My face had turned red, as was usual after talking with Ichijo, especially after he thanked me. Ruri smiled triumphantly and said to me, "It looks like you will be covering for my shifts from now on."

"Does he really show up to the pens everyday to check on the animals?" I asked. Ruri nodded slowly.

"Almost every time I have ever had duty he has come to check and see if I am doing things right. He didn't even ask you if you fed them right or sang them a lullaby. He just seemed delighted you had fed them. I don't think that is the type of response you get from being just a friend Kosaki."

I have a hard time believing her. It's not like he openly expressed his affection to me or did anything unusual. He was just being his usual, kind self. Ruri continued to follow me to my house today and I looked at her questioningly. She glared back.

"What? Am I not allowed at your residence as a friend?"

I quickly replied that it was fine but I was surprised she decided to come over on this day. She explained as we entered the shop.

"I don't have much homework to do, plus I figured I'd share that notebook I have with you."

Once again, I turn down the notebook. Whenever she mentioned the thing it seemed like it was some spell book she had cooked up to place Ichijo and I in a relationship. She insisted and as she was trying to push the notebook into my hands, my cell phone went off. I took the opportunity to grab the phone instead of the notebook. It was a message from Ichijo! I quickly pondered what he needed. My mind flew immediately to hopeful possibilities. Maybe he wanted to go on a date? Those thoughts were quickly replaced by worries, maybe I forgot something at school he had to pick up. Maybe I was being a burden. I apprehensively opened the message while Ruri poked her head over my shoulder. It was a picture of the snake. The message below read: "Denis Isterhaus Kawthorn IV seems really happy. I didn't know you liked snakes this much so I figured I'd send you a picture since you two are friends now."

Ruri fell on the floor bursting into a fit of laughter.

"Too bad he didn't understand what snake you were actually interested in! HAHAHAHAHAHA."

I felt my face get warm and flood with color. Ruri! Some of the things she says are so audacious. I can never understand her and her tactics to get Ichijo and I together.


	3. You were my bridge

Just a quick entry

As always, enjoy,

JB

* * *

Have you ever felt that tension when you're with someone? Out of nowhere, you just want to grab them and wrap them in a hug. You're overcome by the fact they might forget you, they might not care, or worse, they might find someone else. Their eyes and smile drive you crazy. Their laugh sends your heart racing and their intricacies make you weak. When you see them you check your hair and your breath. You'll do anything to get them to recognize you, hug back, and whisper "I feel the same". It's the feeling of being on a precipice. Your emotions balance precariously on this person and they could either set you on solid ground or send you sprawling downward. The halfway point of uncertainty grips you like the adrenaline takes hold of a sports junky. Each encounter leaves you with a thumping heart and a dryness in your mouth.

Have you ever waited for something, anything to happen?

Have you ever been driving in the rain and passed under a bridge?

Everything stops and goes silent, almost peaceful, for a split second. In that moment there is clarity. In that time, you find a small smile on your face. In that moment under the bridge, you can exhale. Then you are thrown back into the pounding rain which seems to resound even louder and hit harder than before. There is an oppressiveness that keeps your shoulders tense and senses alert. What I want to convey through this is: you were my bridge.

Have you ever fallen for someone? It's excruciating to want to talk with them, share stories with them, and learn about them but you don't want to annoy that person because they seem perfectly fine without you.

* * *

That's the way I feel Ichijo. I wonder about whether you are annoyed by me. I want you to tell me yourself that you cannot date me. Do you smile because you are too nice to push me away? If I told you that I liked you would you say 'I feel the same'?


	4. Bittersweet

A longer entry with a little bit more story involved.

As always, readers you are appreciated, enjoy,

JB

* * *

No, not again. Please, not this feeling. I was doing fine. I got my hopes up, I believed maybe he was just with her for a little while. I feel like a fool because I have no right to be mad or sad or feel anything. He didn't want to wait on someone who can't express her feelings.

They showed up at our sweets shop together. It's like I was being tormented on purpose. They were coming to find me and flaunt their relationship in front of me. It at least feels that way. Ichijo looked a bit nervous, I wonder if it was because he has worked here before... Chitoge was so excited she could hardly contain herself. To be honest, it made me jealous. He takes her out on dates and makes her excited while I have to work and watch them.

She admired the arrangements we had in front and asked me tons of questions about them. I tried answering her questions the best I could. I told her that I only make the decorations because my baking skills are pretty terrible. She squealed with delight and asked if I could teach her. I responded bashfully with a mumbled, "I guess". I don't mind being around Chitoge. She is really nice! However, if she can decorate sweets just as well as I can, then that is just another thing she can do better than I can. That will be another reason for Ichijo to like her more or to never come back to our shop.

Ichijo apologized following Chitoge's onslaught of questions and ordered a number of sweets for the two of them to try.

"Sorry Onodera, she hasn't had very many Japanese sweets so it makes her excited. Plus, your decorations are always so intriguing and creative. I can see why lots of people would be amazed by your work. I know I am always amazed."

I turned to place a variety of sweets on plates so he wouldn't see my face redden. Why does he always do this to me? He makes me feel so special by complimenting my work. When I turned he had adverted his gaze to the ground and his hand was nervously running through his hair. He looked up for a moment to smile. I quickly lost my nerve and spun around again, knocking one of the plates down. It shattered on the floor with a crash and left a mutilated sweet over the floor. How clumsy can I be? I was so embarrassed. They were just on a date and I was ruining it! I started to pick up the pieces in a hurry and ended up cutting my finger. I must have let our a yelp because Ichijo was there in a second. He grabbed my hand and peered at it. I quickly pulled away in surprise. Does he want me to fall for him even more if he is going to hold my hand and try to take care of me. Pulling away only made things worse because the blood started flowing from my finger. Ichijo looked more determined as he grabbed my hand again, looked at me, and told me it was going to be ok with a nervous smile.

"Onodera, do you have bandages anywhere nearby?"

I told him I thought we had a medical kit under the sink. He sent Chitoge to go find it. I felt awful. I was keeping Ichijo from enjoying his time at my shop and he was likely thinking about how clumsy I was. Now he has to take care of me instead of simply enjoying his time with Chitoge. I lost it, I started crying. This seemed to unnerve Ichijo at first and it only served to make me cry harder. Chitoge came running back with the medical kit and handed it to Ichijo who quickly found a couple of bandages to place on my finger. Then he had to go an do it again. He looked up at me and asked if it felt better and then he ever so gently wiped the tears that were still falling from my face and helped me up. Why? Why does he have to be so caring at moments like this. I almost burst out into tears again when he offered to run the shop for the rest of the day so I could rest. This wasn't the first time I had been cut so I told him I'd been fine. I kept apologizing about the sweets. He and Chitoge both laughed and said it was fine. They took the rest of the plates with them and sat at a table. Ichijo came over once more and helped me finish wiping up the mess I made.

"Onodera, if you want to join us you sure can. Also don't get too crazy with that finger. If you don't feel good just let us know and we can take over the shop while you lie down or something."

I thanked him and replied that I would be fine. He went back to Chitoge and I immediately wanted him to come back and keep taking care of me. It was only a cut on the hand but he was so concerned. I just wish he always paid this much attention to how I felt. A deeper cut than the one on my finger opened up at the sound of his laugh. He and Chitoge looked like they were enjoying themselves trying all the sweets. She was so pleasantly surprised by the taste and Ichijo would try to explain to her excitedly how we made each recipe at the shop. I caught myself staring longingly at the couple.

Does he know he is handsome? Does he know his smile is radiant in a way that makes everyone feel comfortable? Well, it doesn't make me feel comfortable anymore, I guess. It makes my stomach drop to see him chuckle and enjoy himself. I have to sit and watch as someone else makes him laugh, walks with him from school, and steals his affection.

I had been trying to avoid Ichijo and Chitoge for days. I closed my eyes whenever I knew they were together. I tried to deny the fact that they were dating. I did everything I could to make it seem like they didn't like each other. I had constructed an alternate world in which I still had a chance and where they didn't love each other. It was a world where I looked outside the classroom window at the leaves, rain, and sun instead of the reality of their relationship. Yet, I wasn't able to completely shut them out of my mind. When they weren't walking together, they called each other "honey" or "darling".

Yet, they yelled at each other all the time which made it hard to ignore them. Is this what love is supposed to look like? Are couples supposed to yell at each other and bicker when they love each other? I don't know, I've never felt the urge to yell at Ichijo. If anything, I feel flustered when I talk with him. Rather than fight with him, I'd love to take care of him or comfort him. Instead of him yelling at me, I'd prefer he treated me like I was special rather than a burden or another classmate.

My thoughts were interrupted by another one of their playful arguments where they both started yelling at each other. Ichijo seemed to recognize what was happening, stopped, and smiled at me apologetically. I got embarrassed again and went to the kitchen to work on the next days batch.

I try to get rid of the thoughts about those two possibly dating longer. I try to stop thinking about hypothetical situations by chopping ingredients harder. My sister notices, I blame it on trivial things but inside I know a silly feeling of jealousy is driving me crazy. It sounds like a stupid situation, right? Yea, because it is. I can't handle being in the same building as Ichijo.

I was torn when the couple was finished and made their way to the door. They kept praising me for how excellent the sweets were and told me to take care of my finger. I thanked them for coming and watched them exit. Am I glad they are out of my sight so I can return to day dreaming? Do I wish they would stay so I could talk with Ichijo longer? I wish just he would have stayed to take care of me.

I'm so fickle. It is a stupid reason to get mad just because Chitoge gets to have a good time with him. However, it hurts. He has so much joy whereas I fake happiness and end up retreating to my room or the kitchen. Behind a façade so he and others don't know how much I care. I write in despair. I write because I can place these feelings somewhere until they come up again.


End file.
